Who is responsible for your emotions? Is it you? Or is it me, because I might also do something that makes you angry? We’re in a huge mess with this issue. And that, not knowing who’s responsible for our emotions, often means we don’t know how to manage conflicts we have with others.
A) some say that everyone is responsible for their emotions. But some say that we have to have emotional responsibility and take care of the emotions of those around us.
So, how do you eat this? What’s the correct position? A or B?
For example, suppose you and I are supposed to meet up this evening at 8:00. I’m short on time and have to stop doing something important to get there on time. But then, it turns out you’re late, and I spend half an hour waiting for you. And I get angry. And I get even angrier thinking about what I didn’t do to arrive on time. So, when you arrive, I give you a huge hard time and say everything except nice things.
Look, it’s obvious you’re responsible for being late (no matter how many traffic jams or unexpected events you had), but who’s responsible for my anger? You? Me? What do you think?
Your partner, your mother and your friend
Look, things happen to you every day that make you feel a thousand different ways: sad, worried, angry, scared, furious, frustrated …
Every day there are a million factors that can trigger how you feel, because they generate emotions. From a traffic jam to a thought, a bad word from your partner, or someone arriving late to an appointment. You are constantly feeling things caused by external factors (what happens around you and what others do) and internal factors (your thoughts).
But one thing is what triggers an emotion..
And who is responsible for what they do with that emotion and how they manage it is quite another. And in this case, it’s always you, the one who feels it, who is responsible for responding (you for yours, and I for mine).
In the example of you arriving late and me getting angry, I’m responsible for how I respond to that anger. That is, I’m the one who chooses between saying, “Hey, I thought you were late, did something happen to you?” or throwing a huge tantrum.
The same as if I would like my partner to accompany me to a meal with my family, but he always saysno a,nd I feelurtThe triggering factor of my pain is my partner’s attitude, yes, but I am responsible for choosing what to do with that pain.
And if what I choose to do is, for example, punish him by not doing something that I know is important to him, I am the only one responsible for that punishment. I can’t say that he caused me to punish him. He only provokes my emotions, but I am the one who chooses to respond that way (instead of simply choosing to tell him that his behavior hurts me).
Well, we can’t choose how we feel about what happens to us, but we always have the freedom to choose how we respond
Or if I ask my son not to do something and my mother overrules me in front of him, and later, when I’m alone, I ask my mother not to do it again, and she gets angry and stops talking to me. My boundary may have been the trigger for her anger, but she’s the one who chooses what to do with that anger. And it’s not my fault that she chose to stop talking to me!
The problem is that many people go around responding however they want to and blaming others for their response, like, “I did this because you made me feel that way.” And yes, I may have made you feel that way, but you are the ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE for your response.
Look: if I tell my partner that something has bothered me and he gets angry and starts accusing me of things that have nothing to do with what we’re talking about right now (a typical example in cases of emotional manipulation ), he’s the one who’s not knowing how to manage his anger. Of course, my limit may be the trigger for him getting angry, but I’m not responsible for him trying to turn things around! Or do I have to stop saying what bothers me so he doesn’t respond that way? Not.
And one last example: if I tell a friend that I’m having a hard time with something and I don’t feel like she hears me or understands me, and that makes me feel sad, it doesn’t matter that she caused my sadness. The question is what I want to do with what I’m feeling and how I want to respond (whether I choose to tell her or realize this has happened before and realize that maybe she doesn’t know how to support me in these kinds of situations, or whatever).
It’s not WHO, it’s WHAT
Look, what you feel is always okay, and I will never tire of telling you this, but the issue is not WHO is to blame for you feeling that way but WHAT you want to do with what you feel.
Of course, you have the right to feel that way when someone does something that hurts or angers you, but it’s not the other person who has to make sure you don’t get angry; it’s you who has to give yourself what you need to deal with that anger! (And if that means breaking up with the, that’s fine too.)
That response is what depends on you and what your responsibility is. Sometimes it will have more to do with you (for example, holding the pain you feel or understanding that the other person didn’t mean to hurt you), and other times it will have more to do with the other person (for example, expressing your sadness or setting a firm boundary).
Of course, the other person, as an adult, is the one who has to manage their emotions, but that doesn’t mean you can just go around saying everything you think or without considering that what you do has an emotional impact on others.
If you operate like this and believe that “he’s the one who has to take care of how he feels,” perhaps you’re being emotionally unresponsive and need to understand that taking others into account doesn’t mean you can’t continue to take yourself into account.
And, on the other hand, of course your behavior will generate emotions in others, but that doesn’t mean you have to take care of them or make sure no one feels bad or gets upset because of you.
If you operate like this and believe you have to avoid any discomfort to those around you, perhaps you are treating them as if they were little children, and you need to understand that taking yourself into account doesn’t mean you can’t continue taking others into account.
Well, it’s impossible for others not to generate emotions in us with their actions, and for us not to generate them in them, but in the end, it’s about knowing how to manage those emotions and respond, without avoiding uncomfortable conversations and without blaming others.
