That when they express something they don’t feel comfortable with to their partner, he tells them: “The problem is you, you’re crazy.
In other words, he washes his hands of it and blames them for feeling that way. And that “you’re crazy” thing can come from any complaint or need she expresses. But, above all, it’s especially common when she distrusts him for something.
Or she’s seen that she has friends on social media that she doesn’t know and that they make slightly off-key comments on her photos, like “how pretty” or “what a hottie. Or he gets a text late at night and when she asks, he makes a weird excuse. Or that he’s always cleaning up his WhatsApp conversations, because “that way they don’t take up space.”
Or any behavior that makes her feel insecure and leads her to become obsessed and to be with twenty eyes trying to understand if she really has reason to feel that way or not.
The thing is, when she brings up the subject and says something to him to try to clarify what’s going on, his response is, “You’re a controlling and jealous woman, you’re unbearable!”
Or, “I wonder if I can’t talk to anyone. That’s the last straw. I won’t tell you anything about who you talk to or who you don’t talk to.”
If your partner makes these kinds of comments, the first thing you should do is read my free ebook What You Need to Know When You’re Not Good with Your Partner” . It will help you understand what’s happening and know what mistakes you’re making. You can get it for So she starts to doubt herself and think that maybe he’s right. That maybe she’s just too suspicious. That it’s her fault and that she shouldn’t be so insecure.
“Look, it can’t be that I’m getting this upset just because of one thing. If I’m not a jealous person, what the hell is wrong with me?” one of those coaches told me. But no matter how many times he repeats all of this, the fear, obsession, and insecurities don’t go away.
And she watches him, and observes what he does, and looks for inconsistencies in his speech, and glances at his phone when he’s not looking… And when, in a hushed voice, he brings up the subject again, the response is the same: “The problem is you, you’re crazy.”
So she (they, who are several in the same situation) is increasingly anxious, sleeps worse, and is going crazy. I don’t know if I’ve become distrustful because of some bad experience I’ve had. Or if it’s because I love him so much and I’m so afraid of losing him. But I ron’t recognize myself,” another woman told me.
The most serious thing is not what he hides from you
Look, in cases like the ones I’m telling you about, the main problem isn’t what he does or doesn’t do behind your back.
The real problem is the way he responds when you tell him something. Because, whether it’s a case of possible infidelity or something else, calling you crazy and making you believe that the problem is yours is a great way to get rid of the problem. Many people do this when they feel cornered and have zero empathy and no responsibility for their actions.
They blame you to defend themselves, be cleared of charges, and be able to continue doing whatever they want . And, of course, if you are someone with a great capacity for self-analysis and self-criticism and a certain emotional responsibility (exactly what your partner lacks), you will think, “What if the problem is mine?”
And the more others tell you that you’re controlling, obsessive, or jealous, and that you’re crazy, the more you doubt yourself.
Of course, if you don’t validate your intuition, if you are disconnected from your feelings, if you question everything and tend to believe that others are right and that they do things better than you, then it is easy for you to fall into this type of manipulation .And you think you’re being too demanding. Without realizing that you’re not being demanding of the other person, but rather of the relationship.
Because you want a relationship that gives you trust, security, and peace of mind.
(And no, feeling secure in a relationship doesn’t just depend on you. What the other person does also counts, and a lot. ) Yeah, yeah, b, indeed, at I shouldn’t look at his phone; that’s bad,” they often tell me in these cases.
Let’s see, if you were calm and relaxed in the relationship, would you need to look at your partner’s phone? No, I can tell you, no. Yeah, yeah, but I get really angry and lose my temper and talk to him badly.” So??? Does being liked erase what the other guy does? No.
Nothing you do will change the fact that instead of listening to how you feel and understanding why what they’re doing bothers you, that person blames you. And he tells you that the problem is yours. That he’s not doing anything wrong. That you’re just crazy and that you’re controlling and jealous.
I wouldn’t have to hide anything from you if you weren’t like that,” he might say. And he tells you with such conviction that you begin to doubt yourself again. So, you’re at a dead end. And even more so if he then tries to fix it with nice phrases and promises like “I would never do something like that to you”…
But be careful, is everyone who does that consciously manipulating you? No. Sometimes it’s just that he doesn’t know how to handle criticism and that he doesn’t know how to put himself in your shoes. And other times it is because he is manipulating you so he doesn’t take his share of the pie. How can you tell the difference? By examining the relationship closely and being clear about what part of the problem is yours and what part of the problem is theirs.
