And you thought you were on your side. Ha. I guarantee you that, even if you don’t realize it, you also self-sabotage your relationships in some way. We all do it (at least until we see it and stop doing it). Meanwhile, not only are we unaware, but we’re also telling ourselves a tall tale that has nothing to do with reality. And we swallow it whole. We never imagine that what we’re doing is a form of self-sabotage. We believe it’s normal. Ready? Here are ten ways you’re self-sabotaging yourself and ruining your relationships.
1. For fear that the other will leave, you leave first
Since you believe deep down that the other person is going to leave, and you don’t want to feel that horrible pain again when someone leaves you, what you do is leave first. And it doesn’t matter if it’s someone talking to you on the street or a potential partner.
The thing is, if you feel someone coming towards you, since you don’t think you’re going to meet their expectations, you walk away. And, of cour, you want to bond, but fear is stronger than desire.
Because when you stayed and the other person left, you felt like shit. And, while this is what’s happening to you, maybe you’re telling yourself that you’re in a hurry (with the person on the street) or that this man has too many things that don’t suit you (with the potential partner).
2. Since you want to conquer the “cool ones,” you end up not conquering anyone
Remember the cool kids from school? That group we all wanted to be part of?
Okay, so this also happens when we’re adults. Some ynsist on being liked by someone they’ve labeled as “cool,” and all your effort goes towaste instead of simply being comfortable with someone you feel comfortable with.
3. Since you don’t show yourself, others can’t see you
Since there’s so much fear of rejection, when you’re with you’re not relaxed or spontaneous because you’re just focused on being liked. I realize I tell things quickly because I think the other person is getting bored, and so what happens is that I don’t enjoy what I’m telling either,” one of these coaches told me.
Of course, when you have a rejection wound, on the one hand, you don’t dare approach, show yourself, or expose yourself to others. On the other hand, when someone approaches you, you feel like you’re cowering, repressed, and restrained, thinking more about what you’re going to say than what they’re telling you. The consequence? That others don’t see you, they only smell your fear. You think you’re excluded or that others like you more than you, but the problem is that you don’t show yourself.
See yourself in yoga class, at the gym, or anywhere you want to flirt or make friends, but it doesn’t happen. Sometimes I want to do something with someone, but I don’t tell them in case it doesn’t work out or because I think they’re busy, and now I see it’s all about fear of rejection,” another coachee told me.
And, of course, that person might make another plan and not include you, and you confirm that they’re rejecting you,andn the real issue is that they don’t count on you because they don’t see you. And they don’t see you because you don’t show up in their scene to let yourself be seen.
4. Since you don’t want to bother, you justify everything
The other day,, Ipproached a colleague at the entrance to the cafeteria and spent five minutes explaining why I was there alone, instead of just talking to her like it was nothing,” a coachee told me.
Well, so that others don’t feel invaded or annoyed by something you do, you need to justify yourself and give a thousand explanations . And, of course, the other person notices that you are fake and feels your lack of naturalness.
5. You don’t dare to do something until someone else does it first
From expressing a different opinion than the majority, to asking for something or protesting something you don’t agree with. Only when someone else does it do you feel legitimized and approved of (as opposed to listening to yourself and trusting your own without needing anyone’s permission).
6. You adapt and sacrifice until you end up exhausted
When I swallow a lot with someone and give more than I want to, I end up feeling rejected by that person, as if I blame them for everything I’ve swallowed,” a coachee told me.
In all my relationships, I’ve abandoned myself so that she would be happy, but then they didn’t know me… And in the end, they were happy, but I was exhausted from not being myself, and I ended up leaving,” a coachee told me.
Well, yes, sometimes working “to be accepted and loved” ends up working against you and ruining the relationship.
7. You complain about what you lack instead of taking charge of what you have
Suppose you wanted a job, but you didn’t get it, and you settled for the one that was your plan B, the one you liked less. And there you are, in plan B, suffering because you didn’t get plan A, complaining about the situation, complaining about what you got, and looking for someone to blame.
What’s going on here? It’s one thing to hold on to the frustration or anger of not having achieved what you wanted, and another to sabotage yourself by dwelling on what you don’t have instead of giving yourself over and committing to what you do have.
(Or, if you don’t want B, then stop complaining and make a decision.)
8. You force relationships so much that you break them
When there’s fear, we need to control. And if I’m afraid a relationship won’t work, that the other person will leave, or that the same old thing will happen to me again, I’ll go on a rampage of control.
And I’ll be very focused on the other person, and I’ll want to know if they feel the same way I do, and I’ll want to have guarantees, and answers, and certainties, and have everything planned soo that nothing slips through the net… Like the cake yo u keep opening the oven to see if it’s done? Well, the same thing.
And you can apply this to everything because the need for control is always a form of self-sabotage.
9. You do something you know is bad for you
And so you ruin what could have gone right. So you’re good at exercising and have a goal of running three days a week? Well, you don’t. yoYouave a wonderful, wonderful partner? Well, you’re cheating on him or her. Because, deep down, there’s a very deep feeling of not deserving to do well, or because there’s a lot of fear of doing well and not knowing how to sustain it. Yes, of course, the fear of success also exists. On the other hand, what effort does it take to stay on top when things are going well? A lot.
Well, that’s it. And the more you betray and fail yourself, the less you trust yourself and the more you drag yourself down. It’s like a vicious circle.
10. You avoid prioritizing yourself for fear of being alone
You’re in an unbalanced relationship where you’re giving more than the other person. And you don’t feel right, and you know what you should do, but you don’t, because deep down you know that if you start giving in, the other person will resist, and you’ll have to make a decision. So it’s better to leave things as they are.
