We all have relationships we’d like to improve (if anyone doesn’t, please raise your hand). There’s always someone in our lives with whom we experience friction, conflicts, or misunderstandings that make us feel bad. Maybe it’s your partner, your parents, a friend, or someone in your family.
There are times when you don’t know what to do to improve that relationship, and other times you think there’s nothing you can do, that everyone is the way they are, and that’s how it is. And it turns out that what’s failing is something as obvious as a car not starting because it has no engine.
That’s why today I want to tell you what I think are the three essential ingredients for a relationship that makes you feel go,, that makes you feel comfortable, that makes you see that you understand each other, and that things work. These are, in order of importance:
1. Communication
I am clear about it: communication is the basic ingredient in any relationship, the only one without which a relationship cannot survive ihealthily and satisfactorilyfor both parties.
That’s why I’m constantly surprised when I meet people in very close relationships (as a couple, as friends, or whatever) who never talk about their feelings, what’s happening to them, or what’s worrying them. They only have superficial conversations in which they share what they’ve done today, their plans for this week, or what’s happening to others.
Saying things and knowing how to say them aree essential in any relationship. Expressing how you feel, showing affection, paying a compliment, communicating what you’d like, saying what bothers you, asking for forgiveness, knowing how to give criticism, knowing how to say no…
Because being honest is the only way to avoid conflicts, misunderstandings, poorly managed expectations and to be able to build relationships that make us feel happy, satisfied, connected and in harmony with others .
We often assume the other person knows,,but they don’t. They can’t. No one can know what you need, what you dislike, what you’d like them to do, or what you want them to stop doing if you don’t tell them.
You need the other person to know what you expect from them. You need to set clear guidelines for any relationship. Because if you don’t, and that person behaves differently, you’ll feel hurt and build up resentment, even without realizing it. And the other person probably has no idea.
And you also need to ask others what they expect from you. Because we assume others expect the same things from us that we expect from them, but in reality, it’s very difficult for that to happen, simply because we’re different people.
Precisely in this being different lies the need for communication And it’s that each of us has our owy of understanding things and our particular dictionary of the world and life … What a quiet afternoon means to you may be a boring afternoon to me… Or maybe when I tell you I’m tired and can’t go with you to that thing you asked me to do, you interpret that if I don’t go with you it means you don’t care about me. You make a different association than I do. And the only way for me to know is for you to tell me.
Do you realize? There are many times and many reasons why we sometimes don’t communicate as we should:
Because we believe some things are better left unsaid, that if you don’t say them, it’s as if they don’t exist, and that way you avoid the bitter pill. But that’s not the case ecause everything you’ve ever thought or felt already exists; you’ve already given it form within you.
Or because it seems silly to us: How am I supposed to bother them about this?” It may or may not be silly, but if it’s something that’s worrying you and making you feel bad, talking it over with the other person is the only way to free yourself and find out what that person is thinking.
Or when you know you need to let something out that has bothered you, but you keep putting it off until tomorrow because you don’t dare or you’re afraid of how the other person might respond. “What if he gets angry?”, “What if it bothers him?” “I’mm sure he’ll tell me that…” What if instead of thinking that, you find a way to express it that makes the other person feel good?
And other times, you’re the one who realizes you could have done things differently or said something more tactfully. You think it might be okay to apologize, but anyway, why bother? He’s fine and doesn’t seem to need to hear it. Yes, apologizing, even when the other person hasn’t, is also part of good communication.
It also doesn’t work to assume that what’s happening is what I think is happening . “Something’s wrong with him,” “He’s probably thinking that…”, “He should have realized that I…”. Instead, ask him if something’s wrong, ask him what he thinks, or tell him you wish he’d realized that.
Even with people with whom you think everything is clear, you can ask yourself what could improve in your relationship, because there’s always something. What could you say that you haven’t said? What could you ask that they haven’t told you?
When you tell things as they are and know what the other person expects from you, everything becomes much easier and simpler. And then, on that foundation of trust and communication,u can build a stable and balanced relationship.
2. Generosity
I remember a coachee who wanted to improve her relationship with her son, and when I asked her what the first thing she could do was, she replied, “Try to get him to listen to me.” Over time, she herself realized the error of her approach. If what’s needed for our relationship to improve is for you to change, what am I contributing?
Well, that’s where the second secret to a successful relationship comes in: generosity.
Generosity is not waiting for the other person to make a move for something to change, ut rather having the generosity to make the move myself (as long as I am clear that this person matters to me, that I matter to them, and that they are worth it; this does not apply to toxic couples ;-).
That is to say, a generous person in their relationship, for example, a couple, asks themselves what the other person needs, not just what they need.
A generous person knows that giving someone else the reason does not mean that they lose it because everyone has their reason, andthat is much bigger than the ego that always wants to win.
On the other hand, it’s not generous to think that if I give you something, I’ll be left without something. No, the generous person knows that when he gives, he also receives.. Giving and receiving are, in fact, the same thing; one cannot exist without the other.
If I give you time, if I give you a smile, if I give you a kiss, if I give you my attention without waiting for you to listen to me afterward… I receive too. I win too. We both win.
And generosity doesn’t just work with tangible things. Generosity is also the way you approach others, how you show them you value them, how you show interest in them, how you respond when they ask you something, how you care for someone, how you give yourself to someone…
It’s giving unconditionally. Not in exchange for something , not because the other person has given you something before, not because you feel it’s your obligation to give it, as if we were trading affection and favors… “I did you this favor, so now you owe me one…”
But above all, generosity in a relationship is giving without expecting anything in return and without expecting the other person to meet your expectations.
3. Respect for differences
Just like the coachee I mentioned earlier, we’ve all wanted to change someone at some point. It’s one of the most common mistakes in relationships Because when you want to change someone, what you’re telling them is that you don’t accept them as they are, that you wish they were different. Is that what you’d want to be told?
So there’s the third secret to a successful relationship: respecting the fact that the other person is different from you. That they understand things differently. That they do things differently. That they think differently and value things you don’t, or vice versa.
For example, the fact that two people are very good friends doesn’t mean they share the same sense of friendship . Perhaps for one of them, lying has no place between two friends, while for the other, it’s not as important because she values other things more. Can’t they be friends? Well, if that difference in values isn’t a problem for each of them, then they can be friends.
Or in love. Maybe your way of seeing love doesn’t allow for anger, but your partner’s does. Are you incompatible? The same. If each of you accepts that the other is different in that respect, then you’ll have to work to find a common path.
How do you do it? Well, by reducing our judgment and our habit of judging what’s right and what’s wron.gg Be.cause nothing is right or wrong, nothing is better or worse, it’s simply different. If you love your partner, you love them as they are. If you need them to change something because it clashes with one of your values, that’s fine, as long as you accept it instead of asking the other person to change it.
